Welcome back to another episode of ‘My Brain Finally Figured Something Out (Probably by Accident).’
Funny how the simplest things often carry the deepest lessons. I always thought I understood love. I have a good foundation growing up in a loving home with a close family. I even had knowledge about God’s love thanks to Scripture and the teachings of some wonderful friends and pastors. But God began nudging me (again and again) to sit with Him and go deeper, be more intentional. Turns out God’s lessons on love come with homework: Application, not just information. In Colossians 3:12 God instructs us to put on a compassionate heart (there is more so go check it out), so that we may be able to forgive and to put on love which binds everything together in perfect harmony. Obviously, God values applied knowledge, it’s not enough to understand His word we are also called to practice it and live it out.
When I was a new mom, I went back to school to become a Physical Therapist Assistant. The program consisted of classroom instruction where we learned principles and labs where we could practice in a controlled setting. But none of that could replace real-life learning. There are things no classroom can teach: critical thinking, combining concepts, preparing for the unexpected. That’s why we had clinicals to step into the real world. While class gave us the theories, the clinicals gave us the chaos and that is where learning became application.
The same is true in the school of faith. The bible, sermons, and devotionals are all powerful tools for learning, and I could probably fill a whole shelf with them (not could…did). But as valuable as these tools are they cannot achieve their full impact without the mentorship of the Holy Spirit. He is the one who skillfully guides us as we apply what we have learned. He shapes our responses, refines our thoughts and leads us to truth in the messy moments of real life.
So now that I’ve laid the groundwork, or as my husband would say went on a tangent, let’s finally get to what I learned once I listened to my mentor. Turns out my grasp of love was only book deep. I could quote 1 Corinthians 13:4 (Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.). But living it out in the real world proved to not be so easy, especially in parenting. I started to realize that what I thought was love was actually fear wearing a Jesus T-shirt. I love my kids fiercely, deeply and unconditionally. But when I look back, I can see moments where I wasn’t just loving them but also trying desperately to protect them from everything, failure, hurt, the world.
Fear had crept in and tainted the way I was loving those closest to me. I know what life apart from God feels like. I know the sneaky, unassuming pain that builds over time, like grains of sand accumulating until they become a boulder of pressure. You can’t name each grain. You can’t separate them. And when that boulder is fully formed, it’s too heavy to bear. Only God can save us at that point. But even then, the enemy whispers reminders of the weight we once carried and tries to lure us into picking up sand again. As I watch my children walk through life, I sometimes feel like I’m in the front row, watching them gather their own grains of sand. Fear makes me want to shelter them, protect them, because I love them. That is what good parents do right?
It sounds backwards at first but how could protecting my kids from failure or pain possibly be a bad thing? But here is what the Holy Spirit really wanted me to see. When I step in too quickly or too often, I was unintentionally starting to carry a weight I was never meant to hold. My love becomes heavy and burdened with anxiety and control. It stops being a safe place and from a child’s perspective that kind of love can feel conditional. Like they were only ok if they get it right, stay safe or follow my script. What I had meant as love can land as judgmental. What I intended as protection can feel like pressure. I had stopped partnering with the Holy Spirit and unintentionally tried to be Him.
I thought I was loving them well by keeping pain and disappointment to a minimum, but if I am honest (and I said I would be) I was trying to manage outcomes, trying to guarantee their safety and success instead of trusting God with their process. It wasn’t love (at least not the way it should be) it was fear and worry and it began weighting heavy on all of us and made genuine connection difficult (especially with my teenage daughter).
I knew I had to change. I wanted to change. It wasn’t easy and it was definitely scary. It required surrender, trust and a lot of letting go (repeatedly because I have a hard time letting go). I had to loosen my grip on the outcomes that I can’t control and stop micromanaging the process that God is using to shape them. This isn’t the kind of lesson that you learn once and suddenly master. It is a process of addressing the fear and choosing to trust God more than I trust my own instincts. Thankfully the spirit that God has given me is not one of fear but of power and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). Sometimes I get it right, but some days I still overstep but God is partnering with me in every imperfect step of the process.
One step closer to His kind of love,(plenty more left)
Jenn